A leader not only has to be a good listener, but even more importantly they need to be a good responder. A response…many times you only have a moment to determine what you are going to say. So how do you respond well? The fact is that we don’t every time. We are human, we make mistakes and say things that we wish we didn’t, but that doesn’t mean that we can't reflect on this important action of a leader and try to grow from those times we responded well and those that we didn’t.
My brother and I have started sea kayaking together on the Chesapeake Bay off the coast of Maryland. On this beautiful sunny day, we set out off Huggins Point and crossed the mouth of Brenton Bay for a 2-3 hour paddle with minor winds and waves. We headed down wind and enjoyed the wind at our backs. However, after an hour or so the winds had picked up to 8-12 mph and the waves were now increasing to 2-3 feet so we determined that we better turnaround and head home. As we carefully turned around, it was exhilarating to have the waves come over the bow of our 18’ long kayaks and splash water in our faces as we paddled through. It had become much more challenging with every paddle and the direction we steered suddenly became much more important. We had to study the waves quickly and then respond in a way to traverse the wave successfully. If we took the wave too much on our side, it tried to turn us over so we tried to stay perpendicular to them as much as we could while still steering for home. Although it took added effort and focus, we ended up responding well to each unique wave and both made it back home safely to the sandy MD shore.
As I reflected about my time on the Bay, I realized that our many responses as leaders are not something that we should take lightly. So very similar to Dave and I strategically having to navigate those waves. Our response as leaders define who we are to not only those we are directly responding to, but also to those around that are witnessing the conversation or event.
If we remember how important our responses are then we will become more intentional about how we should respond to ensure we communicate and influence well. This is similar to the term self-regulation. Self-regulation “is the ability to understand and manage your behavior and your reactions to feelings and things happening around you.” Marlene Chism stated in her SmartBrief article about self-regulation that “Self-regulation is part of the “inner game” of leadership that helps you shift from automatic reaction to intentional response.” She goes on to say that both emotional integrity and cognitive restructuring are key to achieving self-regulation. Emotional integrity, “the ability to be 100% honest with oneself” (Forbes 2014), allows emotional intelligence to be authentic and lasting so that you not only begin to know your own thoughts all the time, but those of others that you are interacting with. Cognitive restructuring is having the ability to change the way that we think so that when we do respond we do it in a way that is what we intended.
Responding just seemed innate to me before, but there is so much more to it. So what can we gain from this experience and knowledge? How have you responded as a leader in the past in the different settings that you lead in; work, home and possibly community? I bet you have responded well in some instances and others maybe not so well. Maybe you never thought about it much and just followed your gut in how your responded. Take a minute to reflect on a couple specific conversations or interactions. Did you respond well or not? Think about if you used self-regulation during those times and how you could use this in future conversations to have better results. I know that just by doing this reflective exercise you will get better. I know that I have since writing these words.
I am a Marine Corps veteran and I know what it means to be away from those you love especially during times or potential times of military fighting so this video meant a lot to me in many ways. However, in this video, you will not only see an overarching amazing message of respect and thanks, but if you look at the fact that the woman responded at all and how she responded you will see more. Then you will witness how the veteran responded to her; his pause, his body language. He turned and looked her right in her eyes “like he had known her his whole life” and very intentionally said “You were worth it”. They both responded well and it was so special it needed to be shared many others. Are your responses as equally well or do you have work to do like me? Keep at it. You will get better the more you put in the effort and more focus like my brother and I did paddling those kayaks through the waves on the Bay.
